The truth is, I’ve written and deleted this article so many times I’ve lost count. If I’m being honest I’m actually angry. I hate that I’ve become an angry person we all know that isn’t who I am. I’m mad because there’s a lot of things we are given in life but choosing when we’re finished isn’t one of those things. I didn’t want you to choose how things ended for you but you did, and I’m trying to get by my own selfishness, and away from my anger but I still can’t see things from your point of view.

It’s crazy to never fully understand the struggle of what someone is going through. The internal battles they face daily that remain hidden, with the words they’ve left unspoken. As for you the weight that was on your shoulders were too much for you to carry, and you decided you had to go. I miss you already but there’s so much we still needed to tell you.

We needed you

Sweet, sweet girl…don’t you see how beautiful this life we’re living is? Can’t you see how much we need you? I know right now there is so much pain you feel inside but there is so much to live for. There is so much love that goes into every day, and you don’t even see the impact that you make on all of us around you. There isn’t a day that goes by where we can talk to you and not leave with a laugh or a smile. The negative doesn’t hold a candle to your sarcastic attitude and jokes. Can’t you see that you were put around us because we needed you. We needed you to show us how you can be dealt a bad hand, and still find a reason to laugh. We needed you to show us the beauty in everyday life, even when we felt like we were down on luck.  We needed you, and we failed to see how much you needed us in return. Maybe you showed us how much we needed you, maybe we missed the cues, but it’s too late now. We can’t substitute the feeling that we both needed each other.

Perfection isn’t attainable

Maybe you didn’t feel the need to be perfect. But, we can’t forget about our endless jokes about our thick thighs and big butts, our curly hair we both struggled to tame. The ripped belt loops, and inner thigh chaff. We joked about things you couldn’t change from your hearing, to that attitude that came with that bright red hair. We both joked about our imperfections constantly but maybe it wasn’t a joke at all. Here’s the truth, I never thought that your imperfections were part of who you were. To me there were so many things within your personality that made you far closer to perfect. To me you were a big-hearted friend who would drop anything if someone needed you to be there for them. You were a listening ear, and a supplier of advice. You were a girl who overcame every obstacle and did so with such grace. Maybe you were wore out from the inability to be perfect, but none of us can attain perfection, and we never expected you to.  You were good enough, you were more then we all deserved at times. Oh how we wish we could show, you were good enough.

For a person so constantly selfless, we lost you in a moment of Selfishness

From the moment we met you it was clear you weren’t a selfish person. We could hear how much you cared about others when you talked about your brother, when you told about your family. The more you discussed your hobbies, and the friends you made in the strangest places. The way you would joke about your boyfriend, we knew that being selfish wasn’t something you often did. Maybe that’s why the news came as such shock, you were never set out to be a selfish person. Maybe that’s what we never hear about selfless people, they break down just as easy as those who are selfish. Your selflessness prevented us all from seeing you were struggling, and it breaks my heart. Looking back if only there was a way to prove to you that it’s okay to take time for yourself, and reassure you that it’s okay to not be okay. Now we are all left here questioning how we could have changed your mind.

There’s so much life ahead

You were too young to leave us, and we weren’t ready. There is so much life ahead of you, a future you would have never dreamed you would reach. Maybe you were going to marry the man of your dreams, or have the most incredible children, maybe you would go on to reach so many people struggling in their own journeys. Now we are left here with so many unanswered questions, so many things that we wanted for you. You weren’t the only one who wanted a different future…we wanted to see you live that future out.  Didn’t you want to see your little brother grow up? Weren’t you ready to reach goals of your own? Just stay here with us and we can help you through. Life is so precious and things will only get better from here. Although promising everything would have been easy is a lie, promising it would be worth it isn’t.

You matter

It’s a crazy thought when you think your existence doesn’t matter. We can’t pretend to know where you were or how you were feeling but we promise you mattered. You mattered to everyone you met at work, you mattered to your brother, your family, your grandparents. You reached a dark place and if there was anything we wish we could do it is to show you just how much you really mattered.

 

There’s so much left unsaid, the what ifs will never stop playing in the heads of those that loved you. We can’t bring you back, but if only there was a way, we would all be searching. Perhaps now you’re at rest and above all there’s peace within you. No one will ever be able to answer our questions except for you. You fought a hard battle and if only there was something to ease your pain. They always say you can’t go back, but if only there was a way we could have convinced you to stay.

Rest In Peace Dear Friend.