I’m sorry I’ve been missing. I know its been a hot minute since you’ve seen anything written from me, and the truth is, ever since this year has started, I’ve been working on me. The silence has been part of the healing, because over the last several months I’ve been doing just that. Let me start by saying I’m not ready to promise you I’m okay and I’m done healing because things take time. However, I’m going to be honest and raw in my emotions, and tell you a little about my journey. Granted I won’t be able to get everything out in one blog, but I can promise you’ll actually be hearing from me a lot more.

Since December, every single time someone has asked me how I’m doing in life, with changes, with the hiccups, speed bumps, directional changes, and life experiences I’ve had multiple answers but the one I feel the one that is most accurate  is, “humbling.” You see 8 months ago I had my life entire life planned out, or so I thought. I had a job that paid the bills, a partner in crime, my social life was balanced with my work life, and I thought I loved my career. I was “content.” I was comfortable in my actions, and who I was but internally I knew I wasn’t satisfied.

I constantly was wondering what more I could do, what more I could do to better myself. I hated the skin I was in, I put on a fake front and only wanted to be viewed as the girl who had it all together. Yet, I was falling apart. I looked for a new career constantly, I spent time fantasizing about who I could be, my relationships with my family and friends were falling apart, I was bitter, resentful, jealous, and confused. I quit celebrating life, and celebrating people and I became selfish and sad. I would love to give you every detail of what’s gone on in my life but this article is far bigger than that, so for inquiring minds and to make it a “long story short” I’ve been telling everyone I’m just going through my quarter life crisis. A few job rejections, a realization you lack passion in your degree, a breakup, a knee surgery, a new pickup, a few day stay in the hospital from not listening  to my body, a small identity crisis, and a feeling that I lacked purpose.

It isn’t that I didn’t have a great life I did, but I was trying to control things that were beyond me. I was forcing myself into situations that would only make me temporarily happy, and the truth is. I wasn’t okay. I based my self-worth on everything that was going on around me, and constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough. I loathed waking up, and facing myself every single day. I didn’t have my normal drive, and overall I was just incredibly sad. The mind is a powerful thing, it feasts on what it focuses on, and while I was focusing on every negative thing in my life I let it dictate my personality and who I was as a person. Instead of being my normal self who found silver lining in most situations. I was looking for fulfillment in things that would never satisfy me.

Fast forward to where I am now there isn’t much I can say except that I’m still healing, I’m learning to love life and all it has to offer. I’m basing my value off of what God has to see in me and less on what I think others are thinking about me. I’m learning to focus on things that make me happy and finding my identity in my passions and hobbies. Taking time for myself, and to do the things I love instead of trying to keep everyone around me pleased in everything I do. New development and discovery comes from broken places, but people don’t have to stay broken. It’s impossible to hold up both flags of victory, and victim at the same time. Feelings are indicators, not dictators. They can indicate where your heart is in the moment, but that doesn’t mean they have the right to dictate your behavior, which is what I was letting happen in my life.

Am I fixed? No. Am I working on myself more and more daily? Yes. You choose your chains and what ties you down. Rejection may be a delay, a distraction, and even a devastation but it’s not your final destination and it certainly isn’t my final destination. Saying I’m fine when you aren’t to keep the peace isn’t honest, and it takes away from the integrity of your soul.

It’s okay to not be okay, but it isn’t okay to stay there. Don’t get so consumed by and focused on the mess the rejection, hurt, and disillusionment that you miss the miracle. There’s always a resounding grace that never fails. Tomorrow is always a new day, and there’s always something better around the corner. Embrace the waves, the bumps, the brokenness and move forward in what is yet to come. On the other side of every hardship is resurrection.