Okay, so I’m sure it’s just a part of me binge watching t.v. recently but I can’t seem to get away from online dating commercials and ads lately. Now personally I haven’t ever joined the online dating scene, and I would imagine my life is probably going to stay that way, but I can’t help but think that no one is 110% honest in what they write on their profiles. I get it there’s things you can do to make yourself look a “bit” better, maybe younger, or lighter, possibly brighter…and heck I’m not stepping in your way of finding love you go ahead and sugar coat all you want.

However, for the sake of my blog, and to humor you guys while I try to pass a little time I’ve decided to write an article on what my profile would say if dating profiles were honest, and if I ever decided to try online dating I promise you guys I will actually use this. I also feel like maybe my article wouldn’t be complete without telling some tips on how to see through those online dating wordsmiths. So here it goes my personal online dating profile:

“Hi my name is Julissa, (great name I know, my parents gave it to me for my birthday). I’m approximately 5’6 but I’ll claim an inch more as it makes the weight look like its evenly distributed. I’ve been informed I have a great rack according to drunks in the bar, and friends that are too nice to tell me that freshman 40 went straight to my chest and trunk. If you’re wondering what brings me to online dating, well you should ask yourself the same, can’t really hide the awkwardness in face to face conversations. I’m a 6/10 in the mornings, but when I put a little effort into it I can easily be a 7 from the chest up. I’m not really interested in meeting your parents right away because they’re going to fall in love with me, and I’m not ready to break their hearts after you break mine. I’m a fantastic dresser so you’re more than likely going to be disappointed if ever you get me undressed. I may look like a human being, but in all reality I’m just a body made up of red flags. I have the tendencies of a 50’s housewife. One minute I’m making dinner, and cleaning the house, the next I’m making passive aggressive comments around you while slipping a Xanax into your dinner wine. I have the ambition of a 25 year old blue collar male, the lifestyle of an 87 year old grandma, and the body of a 42 year old soccer mom, who’s five kids in, and has probably missed every Pilates class offered. I’m a bit cynical and sarcastic, but if I’m interested in you that can switch from careless, to slightly clingy

in a real hurry. I have a refined taste for Canadian Whiskey which some may refer to as alcoholism but that’s not my call. I’m fiercely independent which means if I don’t like your plans, I’ll probably find something I would rather do. I more than likely won’t respond to your private message, but we all love the validation of strangers on the internet. I’ve been told I’m a “bit of an asshole” by those who realize what they portrait as sarcasm are actual thoughts I have. I may have some commitment issues, so if you’re reading this there’s a strong chance my mother wrote it, and posted it. I’m sure I have more laundry to air but they only allow me so many characters. Just date me please.”

Wouldn’t it be nice if we were able just to dive into relationships knowing all of the bad things, but committing anyways? Unfortunately I don’t feel most agree with me so for the sake of those who are online dating, let me dissect some commonly used lines used in online dating.

Line: “I’m really laid back.”

Translation: I have some lazy tendencies, and lack general ambition.

Line: “I consider myself voluptuous.”

Translation: College took it out of me, I’ve packed on the pounds but haven’t decided to care yet.

Line: “Live Laugh Love is my favorite quote.”

Translation: I like other basic and generic things, so hopefully that’s you.

Line: “Will fill this in later.”

Translation: I still feel lazy, and I’m certainly not thinking long term.

Line: “Looking for drama free relationship.”

Translation: I’ll supply all the drama you need.

 

I would love to translate more for you, but since I haven’t ever actually tried online dating I only know what I’ve heard from others, but really if you need help writing your profile I have some great true one liners. Or maybe you just need assistance translating someone else’s profile PLEASE send it my way…I’ll be here for bad humor, and brutal honesty.

 

 

Until Next Week,

 

Julissa